Hoodie

Warning: This won’t be one of those happy fun posts. Doesn’t mean I’m contemplating bad things. Just thinking deep, and sometimes that can come off depressing. Doesn’t mean I am depressed. I just need to get things out so they aren’t inside. If you can’t read this and keep your self from trying to “Pull me out of (whatever you think I am in),” then please just don’t read. I am not sinking. Just purging.

It’s been a while since I wrote anything. I have a list of about 20 things I want to write about. This isn’t one of them. This is something that I just really need to get down while it is in me. This may not make sense, so just ignore it if need be. I just want to ramble. I’m sitting in bed, listening to random music on Pandora inspired by the band Life in Mono and a few other songs off the Great expectations soundtrack. Epic soundtrack for deep thinking, self loathing, belly button gazing, etc. etc.

I just finished watching a movie that was one of those self discovery plots. In the end the main character has been through many things and all the while felt lost, until the end, just to discover who and what they are and that what they are and want is in the midst of all that they were lost in. I Have been feeling a deep pull in my heart as of late. I was telling a friend that I really just needed to travel. To get out. I live a life of transition, and am in desperate need of a new change. I have been floating around from one place to the next for the better part of ten years. Mostly physical locations, but in some ways also emotionally. Lately I have continued the physical floating, but I have felt stuck in the emotional section. In the last few years I have made some different choices. Some I never thought I could make, others I never wanted to make, some I made without thinking, some I put my entire will into, and a few that were truly mine and mine alone. I have made many people happy, hurt quite a few others, and all the while never been sure of what makes me happy.

In the past I always found joy in bringing joy to others. It’s my personality, after all, to be focused on others. But recently I have spent a good bit of time alone. In aloneness there is no one but myself to think of. If my joy is in others, then I lost my joy. But is that really true? Probably not. There have been amazing moments, I just can’t see them right now. Tomorrow I will wake up and not be able to see this place I am now, I will forget and be happy. I may find joy tomorrow and move on. But I wanted to dig into this while I was here.

When I was over seas I would often go to the nearest big City (mostly Auckland), put my earphones in, watch people, drink coffee, walk for hours, explore different streets and ally ways, and in the end just lose my self in the surroundings. Disappear in the crowd. Feel nonexistent for a while. Just be a walking, raw emotion. I would often be praying while walking. Talking to God about what I saw, what I felt. But really the goal wasn’t to do anything special. It was to just “be.” I just wanted to turn everything in my life off for just a little while, no deadlines, no expectations, no demands, no job, no needs, nothing but just “being” for as long as I could get away with it.

Pandora is playing Dido. One of the many albums I would actually listen to while walking the parks in Auckland.

————————————————————-

I just want to be lost. Not recognized. Don’t see me. Turn away and keep on your merry little way. Where you go is no concern of mine. You walk away on the plank of your life, towards cartoon pictures of children, houses, and a brown little dog. I walk into the sea, to see the reef. Solid and colorful. Hard and unmoving. A violent, deadly, safe refuge for life. Bringing the taste of semi-sweet finality. Maybe I’ll rest, pick my feet up and close my eyes. Watch the light reflect upon the ceiling like the aurora Borealis in a deep, winter sky as she swings me to sleep. Beneath me they follow their paths as they tangle in and around, watching and not seeing with their big bulging eyes. Blinking to wash away what should not be imprinted forever in their conscience. Yet how do we forget, what can’t be remembered. It’s on the edge, like a shadow in the doorway. So close, yet not tangible. Evidence, without proof. Co-ordinance with out the map. How can we not be lost? And still we wander, wrapping our lives around each other like the braiding of a strand of rope. Splintered and intertwined. Barren, as leaves fall in the cold. Not dead, just sleeping and disconnected. The walls, like thick cork, bring loss. We strive only to repeat. Still the grass will grow, and footsteps will fade, leaving no evidence of the lives lived by those that left them. Alone we wait. Just shy of the hill we look, strain, crane our necks to see what is beyond the horizon. Romanticized in movies by the orange sunset, we believe there is a happy ending with rosy, fuzzy, warm completion awaiting. But the horizon reaches, stretches on like a silver road. beautiful and untouchable. No rest stops, just hesitations. Moments of doubt. We walk this desert alone, surrounded by a multitude.

Like an empty box, with a scent and stain of what was once held inside is my mind. I look into the emptiness not seeing what fills the void. The chasm is filled to brimming, yet I see only the opposing wall of an abandoned room, scattered with the remnants of a childhood lost. My plush protector resting, sighing, heart heavy. Beads of sweat run into cotton as I bore another hole in the floor with my eyes. Another world of beautiful black and white perfection lies just the other side of hope. My world red and blue and brown when the light is on. The darkness, thick like a blanket of a starless night is my world. Leaving no shadows in snow. Hardening to stone. I walk alone, past the buildings of the white collar, and through the world of blue. Seeing and being unseen. If only I lost my way, I would never have to return.

Now to dream,

compartmentalizing

Boxes. Lots of nice, safe, separate boxes.

I am currently living out of boxes. My life seems to be scattered in them, or filled with them. I have them at my parents house, others at my friends house, and the rest in my room, partially unpacked. Most are labeled and categorized so that I know what is needed or important. Labels like “kitchen, books, text books, potato heads,…” you get the idea. Anyway, it looks like I am going to be living out of boxes for a while. Like as in a couple of years. Boxes and suitcases……. yay…. (note the lack of capitalization or exclamation marks to emphasize the “non excitement” and sarcasm I am feeling as I write this)

“So, what”, you ask, “is the point of letting us in on this little detail of your life” (by you, and us, I mean me, as I talk to myself and don’t care or plan on anyone else reading this, it is mainly for my benefit)? Well, my friend, Let me tell you (and by friend I once again mean myself).

I find myself not only compartmentalizing my stuff, but also my digital representation, my social life, and even my time. I have recently created a Youtube channel that I may start using to just mess around and be stupid with. I might post funny things I have done with my friends or even just random videos of me talking about my facial hair. Who knows. I have started several blogs and even started keeping some writing to myself on my computer, all of which are for different topics or cover different areas of my life. I created a new twitter account to represent my online persona that would be linked with this blog, and my youtube channel (if it ever actually happens). Then I have my other twitter account for my actual life and people I know.

Then there is my time and social life. I have started trying to allot the amount of time I spend with my friends. Trying to keep it even; as well as making sure I spend more time on my own. I seem to be trying to organize everything.

Of course this all goes way back. Now that I think about it, I have always liked things to be separate. I was, and still am, the kid that doesn’t like my vegetables touching my bread or meat. Sweet dishes may not come in contact with the savory on my plate. This rule, of course, does have a few exceptions, ie. cranberry sauce and dressing.

But why do I do this? What is the point? Why do I feel the need to separate my life? Maybe it is a need to not feel out of control. Maybe I am a bit OCD. Maybe mixed food reminds me of vomit. Maybe I don’t know?

I have a feeling that just like my room, my life will only stay ordered and separate for just a little while before I give in and let it all and mix and get out of control. But my food will never cross the carful constructed lines I have created and mingle where they don’t belong.

Blankets

“People don’t change.” “I need something to eat.” “All guys are like that.” “All men are liars.” “I love these shoes.”

One of my pet peeves happens to be generalized comments that people will just say flippantly. Take for instance, “people don’t change.” While many people don’t, I have known some who have. On top of that I have some friends that are making changes right now and seeing real results. To think that people don’t change would be to just assume that they will fail. …. What kind of friend would that make me? Or what about “I need to a piece of pie.” Really? A piece of pie? You need it? When I took a group of students to India I ran into the word “need” a lot. I realized then that there isn’t much that we actually do need. Food. Water. Shelter, but not every minute. Love. Oxygen. There are not really specific types of food that are needed either, just enough to nourish us so we don’t die. And do you really “love” that pair of shoes? If you had them, would your life be fulfilled? Could you be with those shoes on a deserted island and find all the companionship in them that you need? I am pretty sure those shoes won’t love you back.

I am just as much at fault for making blanket statements as the next guy, but sometimes I get really hot when I hear them. Like, “all men are liars” for example. What is that saying really? That I will never be honest so always assume the opposite of what I have to say? That despite all my attempts to become a better person I am doomed because of my gender. Really?

I think one of the reasons I get upset is because I have often been the exception to some of these statements. “All guys are jerks, but not you Joseph, your the exception.” If I am the exception, does that mean I am a girl but still a jerk? Or a guy but not a jerk? Either way I still feel offended. If I am not a jerk and a guy, then the first part of your statement is false. So why say it?

Too many times we categorize people or assume the worst. Even if the statement is partially true, we insult all those that don’t fit by saying it as if it was absolutely true. You don’t hear people saying “85 percent of the male population are jerks.” Or “74 percent of what 61 percent of males say is a lie.” Why not? These statements don’t have as much umph. I know it is just poetic license sometimes, but I just hate it. Maybe it is my preference for being literal, but I wish we could all just say simple that are built upon the solid truth, instead of powerful statements built up on sand.

Honestly there are some people I have no respect for based simply on blanket statements they have said. I am still friends with them, but have no respect of their opinion. If you really think you need this, love that, or that all things are easily grouped together, then you are missing out on the beautiful complexity that is life. Not all clover has three leaves, but the majority do. Just because all the books on the shelf have the same brown leather cover, doesn’t mean they tell the same story. Just because I have a “Y” chromosome doesn’t mean I am a liar, jerk, two faced player scumbag that can never change.

I know I make generalizations too, but come on people, isn’t that what the Civil War and the Holocaust were all about? Fighting to prove that generalizations are bad? So next time you make a statement about “all” anybody, stop and look around you, cause someone may have just lost respect for you and put you in generalized group of “anybodies.”

Civil war

If this gets read by anyone I apologize for the random flow. I mean to talk about one thing them branch off on another. I make no effort in this to bring order to my thoughts. I just wanted to get the thoughts out while I still had them. Welcome to my divergence at it’s best, or worst?

It’s time to sleep. I should be closing this computer now and turning my alarm on for the morning. Why don’t I? Because the sooner I go to sleep, the sooner I have to wake up and go to work.

I don’t hate work. It’s not so bad. I don’t really love it yet, but I think it is because I still don’t really know what I am doing most of the time. I spend most of the day trying to find someone to ask a question, and the other part of the day trying to get up the nerve to go find them. Most of the time I don’t even know who the person is I need to ask or where to find them. Don’t get me wrong, I love change. Mostly. It’s just the whole thing is really intimidating and I really don’t know what is going on.

Communication. That’s the problem. The guy I am working under is a nice guy, but not exactly helpful? It seems I have had more help from people from other departments than from him. I was told that he is really busy and there is a good chance he wouldn’t be very “hands on.” Tis true. And really I kinda like the freedom. It’s just that I don’t know how to do anything. I don’t even know if I can throw away the prints I am done with and if I can, where do I throw them? They could be considered protected material. Needless to say, I have already started a little pile on my desk of scrap paper. People just come up and give me jobs and start talking all this technical language that I don’t understand like I should know what they are talking about. I am not sure if it is because I haven’t been in school long enough; I just don’t have the experience and it will all come with time, or if this is not the profession for me. I love the concept of engineering, but this is crazy. I figure with time I will start to understand what they are talking about and will be able to do things on the computer without asking what it is. I usually catch on to things pretty fast, but for now I am still intimidated.

Back to the communication part, I don’t really feel “orientated” to the job. Being a Co-op student, I don’t guess they really have a training period for the programs and things we need to use….on another note, my roommate is talking on skype or something in his room and it is really loud. quite annoying at 11pm, very thankful for the noise canceling headphones my b-in-law gave me for christmas. Now back to our regularly scheduled program… I would have loved a few weeks of just learning the job, following someone around, spending hours on a computer doing tutorials, someone holding my hand, my mommy packing a lunch everyday for me to eat on the playground…. But that’s the point I guess. This is supposed to be my “real world” experience for my resume. I have always been the one to shine in my job. But I guess looking back even when I was really good at something I was never good on the first day, or even first couple of weeks. I’ll never forget the first day I was put on Bar at Starbucks. Broke into a cold sweat. No kidding, I thought I was going to vomit. That was just heating milk and squirting syrups. I guess if I can push through that and many other things I can do this.

SO, what I was going to write about, before I went all kindergarten and started the whine fest, was that I feel in the middle of a civil war of types. On one hand I am trying to start this whole consistency thing by working a job with office hours and getting to sleep on time. For the most part, I really want to go straight home after work and relax, eat an early dinner and go to bed early. But I was also planning on starting to exercise and using my free time to be a little more introspective. I guess I am being a little more introspective, but not to the point that I planed. I make great plans in my head. “Oooohhh, since I will have so much free time I’ll get in shape, write some more music, maybe record it, journal everyday, learn Italian, plant a tree for tomorrow, build a playground for the local community, cure the common cold.” Ok, so maybe the last few where a little far fetched. But in my head, when I start making plans for the next phase of my life, it is green, with rolling hills and candy cane trees, and big marshmallow clouds with chocolate rivers and gum drop sheep. Then when I get into the phase, it is more like the licorice forest with a factory that pollutes the air with mustard gas and enslaves all the little gum drop sheep till they turn brown and gray from the soot. So I feel parts of me this time that are enjoying some of the small changes. But the rest of me is getting bored. I want to go hang out with friends. I want to watch tv and movies all day on Netflix. I want to waste this semester away, but then I get sleepy so I sleep. Accomplishing neither my hopes nor my distractions, feeling completely useless and unaccomplished.

Speaking of sleep, if I don’t soon I will be tempted to fall asleep at my desk tomorrow. Another thing I am not used to, a desk.

Back?

So a friend of mine has taken a note from me to start a new blog that is open and raw in addition to the other encouraging, life lesson blog that she already has. Now I am going to, sort of, take a note from her note taking?

As we can all see, I haven’t written much on this blog in a while. During this time I did begin a new, more encouraging blog, it’s msboy.tumblr.com if your interested. I talk about what God is teaching me and even share scriptures there. I hope to continue that one, but want to keep this one going with more of my more internal, deep processes. Seeing as it has been so long since I wrote here, and the fact of starting the other, I don’t even know if anyone will read this one. Which is truly fine. For me this place is more of a “no judgement zone” where I can be real and honest, and then later look back at my life, and not just remember what was happening, but remember what it felt like during each time in my life. So if you aren’t interested in that, if it’s a bit too emo for you, No worries. Like I said, this is more for me right now anyway.

I have a tendency to write down what I am going through, but, as I have shared before, I am very inconsistant with things. So I have lots of writings and blurbs scattered through hundreds of random notebooks. I might happen across one, one day, then not read another for years that was in storage. I hope that this will be a place that I can keep things all together. Who knows, maybe if I find something I wrote a while back, I might put it here, just so I can keep a record of my life. It will give me a chance to relive some things, look back on different decisions, and also chronicle my life. This is maybe a new turn for me, but like I have said before, it’s time for a little change, and some good old fashioned soul searching.

So this is me, building something new.

A time to steal

I just wrote something to blog and it turned very honest. So honest that I decided to not post it. So I will sum up the parts I wanted to share, and then share what I want people to know.

Update, I am back in jackson. Working as a coop student, pronounced Koe-opp. Like a paid internship. If you want to know more then ask me. Point is I will be back and forth from Starkville for the next year and a half.

It has been a while since I blogged here and I felt it was time to get back to it. I had been reading my old posts and miss talking deeply about what I was thinking as it helped me think deeply about what I was going through in my life. In the process of getting back to thinking deeply I realized I want to make some changes in my life.

For most of my life I have always been concerned for other people. While I care deeply for other people and that is a good thing, I have often put myself or my own desires or feelings on the back burner. I have often given away my own choices for that of others. Some people may not see this, and others may think I never speak my mind. Well either way I feel I need to choosing for myself. There is a time to give, and I believe a time to take. I need to take right now. I see lately that I don’t have many boundaries in my life. I respect others but can’t seem to keep myself safe. Well, it is time I learn some healthy boundaries. This may mean making really hard boundaries in some areas, but I need to know so I will cut way back to figure out where they need to be. I need to learn to be more honest, but I must be honest with myself. So this season of my life is going to be about me. I am going to be selfish for a while.

So here is the thing I want to say in this entry. I don’t know that the people I will be talking to will read this, but I am going to say what I need to say anyway. First off let it be known I am not dating nor looking for anyone to date during this time. This time is about me and finding out what I need or really want. This semester I am going to do what I want to do. I may stay home a lot. I may not spend time with the people I usually hang out with, but it doesn’t mean we aren’t friends. If I said I was your friend, then my feelings have not changed. I just need to focus on me for a while. If I spend a lot of time with someone, it does not mean I like them and want to marry them. I just enjoy their company as a friend. I will tell you if I change my mind. If I spend a lot of time hanging out with you, it is not because I like you and want to marry you. I just enjoy your company. If I change my mind I will tell you. If I don’t ever see you, it doesn’t mean I don’t like or love you as a friend. If I don’t invite you or go where you invite me, I still love you. I may make new friends or just hang out with old ones. I make no promises to anyone. I may seem the same, I may seem like a different person. The main thing is I want to make decisions based on me, not how someone else feels. It is time I learn to feel what I feel and not worry so much about how others feel. I need to understand my self instead of trying to understand what makes others happy. I don’t know what makes me happy. I may try new things. I may give up old things. I don’t know. I want to be someone else but I want to be me. If I offend anyone, I am sorry. It is not about you. If that offends you, please be mature and realize I still love you.

These things are not forever. The way I may act is not me forever. This is just a season I need to take to really examine myself and my life. After this season, however long it may last, I am sure some things will go back the way they were, but some may change. Just please pray for me that I would learn how to make good choices and not lose the good ones I have already made, but find the ones I need to make.

See me?

Did I tell you what happened to me the other day? Check out what I can do! I know, it’s just like what happened to me. I completely understand! I have one just like that! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME!!!

Attention. It seems to be all we ever want. To be seen. To be acknowledged. I have been thinking about selfishness this weekend a good bit. It’s almost like my weekend has been a sitcom where everything I am going through, and see my friends going through, is teaching me the same lesson. This is a selfish world. I went to New Orleans this weekend. Thought I would just get away and have some time with friends and not care about the world. Ended up just a fruitless act of selfishness. Got a sunburn while I was there and because I was wearing a headband i now have a great white strip across my forehead. I was really embarrassed and was nervous about going to work knowing everyone would laugh at me. Then today, I went the whole day and no one said a word. I was offended that no one noticed, even though I didn’t want them to. Hmmmm… what a conundrum.

So I guess I just wanted to know they saw and noticed me. And now I realize they were just doing the same thing, thinking about themselves. Here we are, just a bunch of selfish people.

I had a talk with some friends a while back. I was trying to understand my one friend and why he acted the way he did. Another friend blamed the way he acted on being gay, and said that every gay guy  is always just thinking in his head “NOTICE ME!!!” and my friend was like, “YEAH!!! See Joseph? He gets it.” But I don’t think it’s just limited to gay men. I think they just might be more comfortable expressing it. I think we all just need to be seen.
Now some people may be emotionally healed enough to not show it all the time, but even then they can’t be content all the time. they still want to be seen. Isn’t that the idea of wanting to fall in love? To be accepted, and have one person focus all their attention on us?

But how can we ever expect anyone, completely focused on themselves, to ever see us? That’s the whole thing. We are all selfish and will never see anyone else. On the other hand, what is so great about us to begin with? We all think we are so great, or at least we keep hoping people will think we are and notice us so that we will believe it ourselves.

I guess the truth is we are. We are something great. Just not for the reasons we think we are. The things that we think make us AWESOME, are truly repulsive. Our selfishness. If we could let that go and start seeing others we might see what is beautiful about them and find what is beautiful about us.

Just that we are.

Not that we do.

new view

It’s funny how things look different depending on where you are viewing them from.

I was home with family for the hollidays and found that my attitude has changed compared to other times I have been home. I feel the desire this time to really approach things in a more mature way. Growing up I was lazy and not driven, always wanting to escape. Be it reality or just yard work. When holidays came around I just wanted to hide till they were over. There was too much work to do and WAY too many people. This time was a little different. I still felt overwhelmed by the people, but I didn’t mind helping out or just being and talking with the people I love. I still get the feeling of wanting to escape though, I just see it more clearly. Why do I do that?

It has been evident in my entire life. Whether I was hiding in a kitchen cupboard, up in a tree or just in my bed sleeping the day away (which I still did today), I always want to not be where I actually am. I have so many patterns in the way I live based on this. I work crazy hours and will put in over time the same week as finals, or work two jobs while I train for a national Pharm tech certification and take a slightly accelerated online Trig class to avoid life and feelings.  I watch hours of tv on my laptop to avoid doing homework or cleaning my house. But this week, I have seen it and had moments, just moments mind you, where I have chosen to not do this. It mostly happens when someone else is involved, but it makes me wonder, am I getting better? Or will I just retreat back again once I get back into a routine?

It’s just that things look so much easier at my parents house. I look at the future and it looks like breakthrough is on the horizon. I see hope, but will it last? I want it to. I don’t want to be the lazy, selfish, spoiled kid I see when I look back at most of my life. I want to be the mature adult I feel like in this moment. I see myself as a man for the first time. I have been viewing myself as a kid living in a grown up world and just trying to get through with out throwing a tantrum. Maybe I am growing up after 28 years, or maybe it is just a moment that will soon fade. I am hoping it is not the latter.

Reggie Goodson

I sit here at home tonight with a lot going on in my mind. I found out earlier today that a strong man of God passed away this morning. I didn’t know Reggie as well as a lot of people, but That didn’t prevent him from leaving his mark on my life. He was the kind of person that never met a stranger. But he also went beyond that. Everyone he met was probably like family to him. I barely knew him, but he felt like a brother to me. I can only imagine how he affected those he saw more often. I guess he reminded me of a light house. You could see the light shining from his face. Being around him brought me a lot of peace, but also encouragement in my faith. His love and passion for Christ was contagious. I never thought I would ever meet anyone with more excitement about Christ’s love than Misty, but she found someone who shared her enthusiasm. Zeal would be a good word to describe their faith.

So, even though I barely knew him, I loved him, and miss him. I have cried a few times today and will probably cry a few more. But what is amazing is knowing he is now doing full time what he was only able to do part time down here. Praising and worshiping his Creator, Savior, Lover, Protector, Father, And guide for eternity.

You were a great Man, and left us a standard that we should all strive for. I love you man, and look forward to worshiping with you again one day.

Joseph

Trust?

Why is it people really close to you go so unnoticed for so long? You can have an amazing person in your life for a long time but you are blind to all their good qualities till they are gone? I just realized a good friend of mine who I never see anymore is the best example of someone who can be themselves, nothing held back. Sure they are rough around the edges, don’t hit it off with everyone, but they are real. They don’t make excuses for who they are. They are open, and won’t lie. Compared to them I feel like such a two face.

Sometimes as a Christian I feel the pressure to not offend anyone. That I have to always play nice. I do genuinely like most people. But the thing is I can be really two faced. I can make nice and joke with you. But then I might judge the crap out of you when your back is turned. That is really wrong, and to anyone reading this, I am sorry. Some of my most trustworthy friends are not Christians. What is wrong with this picture. Is it because they don’t have to try and be “sin-free”? Is it because they don’t mind showing off their rough sides? Why do we feel like we have to fake it. We are sinners too. We have a standard we are told to live up to, it doesn’t mean we are perfect. None of us meet that mark. Some non-Christians are so much more comfortable in their skin. Shouldn’t it be the other way around? Shouldn’t we be the ones who are secure in our destiny? Shouldn’t we know what grace is? I mean we should know what it means to be truly forgiven therefore be truly forgiving. But why are we like the man in the parable who is forgiven his huge debt then goes and tries to collect the few dollars someone owes him? We should be able to let the forgiveness we receive overflow into our daily lives.

Instead we are so focused on our “spiritual growth,” our “Calling,” our “daily walk,” and our “relationship with God” that we forget our relationships here on earth. Didn’t He tell us, “whatever you do to the least of these, you do to me”?

I guess I just saw something today on a friends profile, and just remembered how real and honest they have always been with me, yet I know in the past I have not always been that way with them. It almost cost me the friendship once. I don’t ever want to get to that point again with anyone. I was humbled as I thought about them. I want to remove that face that turns against people. I want to be comfortable in my skin so I don’t have to impress people. I don’t want to shape my self to fit into everyones favorite person when I am with them. I can’t please people all the time. I can’t be who everyone needs me to be. I want to live and make no apologies for who I am. I want to accept people, completely. Say if you can accept me and look over my crap I will do the same for you.

I love people, I truly do. Now I want to start living like it. One day I hope to be the one that people talk about, saying: “that guy, you can really tell he cares.”